Gardening Gifts for Newsmakers

Since, on this Friday before the Chrismmukah weekend, no one seems to be doing any work anyway, I thought I'd pass on this slightly-amusing celebrity "Gardening Gift Guide" by Wes Porter of Canada Free Press.

Pamela Anderson

The temptation to offer a perfect pair of Mammilaria cactus was almost overwhelming until the Weekly World News announced the discovery of a new Brazilian meat-growing tree. "Instead of fruit it grows beef in a hard shell" and could eliminate vegetarianism, says the tabloid. The very gift for one so gifted.

Conrad Black

The beleaguered sometime British media mogul finds himself financially embarrassed thanks to the FBI grabbing his gravy. We can only offer a planting of Lunaria biennis for his Bridalpath home in Toronto while noting that as an alternative to Moneywort it is also known as Common Honesty.

Jean Chretien

Surely Justice John Gomery will agree there could be a nothing more fitting gift even for a small-town boy, than a collection of Coryphantha vivipara aggregata, Golf Ball Cactus.

David Dingwall

A few pots of Mentha canadensis, Wild Mint, well known cure gas.

Chuck Guite

For that example of Ottawa bureaucracy, a specimen of Clusia, or Fat Pork Plant.

Paris Hilton

A nice specimen of the plant known as Herb Paris, Paris quadrifolia, claimed by some to be of medicinal value but known for its poisonous berries.

Madonna

A nice big bunch of Equisetum arvense, or Horsetail plant, somewhat toxic it is true, but a reminder that she who takes up the sport of royalty should a mount with a long mane — if one wishes to remain in the saddle.

Stella McCartney

For that designing Brit, a nice big bag of all-natural bone fertilizer.

Dalton McGuinty

In salute to his fecundity, a copy of Alan Toogood’s concise tome, Propagation, or perhaps as an alternative, Lewis Hills’ Pruning Made Easy.

Kate Moss

A subscription to Rolling Stone magazine, a gift not to be sniffed at as it is a well-known fact that a rolling stone gathers no Bryophytes.

Mike Myers

One word: Bonsai!

Peter C. Newman

We can only offer the poor chap a cure for an unfortunate case of order Psocoptera, better known as booklice.

Olsen Sisters

A new perfume derived from extracts of Twinleaf, Jeffersonia diphylla which, although possibly poisonous is believed efficacious for nervous excitability, diarrhea, spasms, urinary infections and sores.

Prince Charles

A hybrid Camellia, along with instructions he kindly refrain from talking it to death.

Martha Stewart

A Windsor, Nova Scotia pumpkin carved into a boat along with a gourd baler, a souvenir of her much-hyped non-visit this past fall to participate in the passage of pumpkins across the local lake.